Day FortyThree.

I am so desperate for some type of change that it's driving me insane.
I am so desperate to know that what I have is constant and I still have something left to give.
Because I am tired of looking in the mirror and willing myself to see something I'm not.
And I am so sick of putting on a happy face and playing nice s0 I won't offend people who don't know or care about me.
I don't want to be the cause of your disappointment, embarrassment, disgust, frustration,
resentment..
anymore.

Day FortyTwo.

You have to be willing to take a risk and lose everything,

If you ever want to gain anything.

Day FortyOne.

Sluttyslutslutsluttyslutslutsluttyslut.

Usually, I have this very stylized way of writing,
But I just don't really feel like writing this post like that.
I saw one of my secrets on the post secret myspace today!
I would've posted it in my post secret post.
But it's pretty embarrassing so I didn't.

If you are a certain ignorant asshole,
Here are some activities you might like to try today:

• Choking to death on your own saliva.
• Burning your face off with some lighter fluid.
• Running into a brick wall.

If you are anyone else,
Here are some other activities you might want to try:

• Write me a letter.
• Send a postcard to postsecret.com
• Post a sentence on onesentence.org
• Make a photoblog and be my photoblog friend.
• Draw me a picture.
• Maybe post a comment!
• Maybe not post a comment, and just lurk away.
• Make your own blog!

Okay, I think I'm done.

(L)

Day Forty.

I don't want to wait anymore

Day ThirtyNine.

I'm really behind.
My bad.

The thing I love about being scared,
Is how your body reacts to it.
Like.
How the hair on the back of your neck stands on end.
And how your heart rate seems to triple.
Andn how you can almost feel the blood rushing through your veins.
I just love the adrenaline rush,
And the atmosphere,
And all the excuses to be close to you.

Day ThirtyEight.

You intoxicate me.

Day ThirtySeven.

I'm still writing you this list and I'm on number fifty-two.
In case you were wondering.

Day ThirtySix.

Notebook writings continued.

October 2007 - Now.

And I've never felt
So happy in a cage.
I think this is the first time
I've been happy without the key.
But I still can't help
But reach my hands through the bars
Grasping on to anyone
Who comes near enough.


Did you know
This is the first time I've liked being kissed.
Did you know
That 3 weeks is my longest relationship.
Did you know
I can slip away
Just like that.
But I won't,
Because I want you.


I've come to the end
With a heavy heart.
Because I'm still lost in this maze of
infatuation
As you escape with your dignity.
I should've known it was all
Too good to be true.
I should've known better
Than to let my guard down.


I'm still hoping,
That this is just a phase.
Because you mean too much to me,
And it seems like I mean
So little
to you.


I just want
My heart to beat a little faster
My head to spin a little more often
My breath to catch in my throat
I just want to take in everything
And give nothing back.


I hope you give her everything,
And she leaves you with nothing.
With empty promises, with unanswered questions.
With everything you deserve.


It's just.
Your face holds so many memories
And so many hopes and dreams
And so many lies.
It's just
Those eyes don't deserve to be looked at
Those eyes drive me crazy.
It's just
I kind of want you to disappear forever.
So I never have to remember.


I didn't know it was possible
To feel this torn between selling myself out
And becoming the kind of person I've never wanted to be
Or letting myself fall for you.
Being flawless.
Because the perfect girl,
Is the one who would never let
Guys like you, finish last.


Finally.
I can leave my pathetic dreams in the safety of my memories.
Forever locked away.


You know how I know I fucked up?
Because you were there for me even after I gave you up.
Because you are supportive and sweet and make me smile.
Because you have always made me feel different.
Because you make my chest ache.
Because you are engaging.
Because you make me want to stay up all night.
Because you are everything he isn't and more.


Remember when we were driving at night and you asked me,
If I ever felt purposeless, like I've hit rock bottom,
And have no where left to go?
Like nothing has any meaning.


I'll just hug my pillow
And pretend that it's you
Until you're ready
For me to hug you
So I don't need a pillow.


You could be the one.
The one who I could call mine and mean it.
The one who would be there for me no matter what.
The one who I could make a million new memories with.
The one who I could lose everything to.


I'm yours
And I'm happy
And things couldn't be better.


My friends always laugh at me
In advanced functions.
Because of the way my eyes glaze over
And the way I smile
When I'm thinking about you.


Maybe it's because you're just the one I need,
And you're here at just the right time.
But I'm falling for your smile
And the way you know me
The way you touch me
The way you make me feel
Like I'm not alone.

Day ThirtyFive.

I finished writing in one of my notebooks that I started writing in last summer.
Here are some of the things I wrote that aren't incredibly embarrassing. :)

May, June, July, August, 2007.

Just sitting on my roof
Listening to the cars drive by
Watching life pass me by
Letting myself be swallowed up
By the darkness
Becoming nothing.
Becoming something.
And then when its quiet,
When there aren't anymore cars driving by,
I'll climb through my window, back to my room.
And time will start again.
It won't just be me anymore.
And I'll fall asleep.


Last night I dreamt that it was
Me and you against the world.
We didn't need anyone else.
And when I woke up,
I just wanted you again.
Another chance.
Because I liked it when we were
Fighting for freedom together.


And it hurts to say
But I'll miss you more
And less everyday.
Because nothing woke me up
Like listening to you.


Why is it that I finally get what I want
And I don't want it.
Because now that you're gone,
I can't imagine wanting anything more
than you.


You are the most
amazing thing that's happened
to me this summer.
And I hate you now that you've left me.

Day ThirtyFour.

I left my camera at my friend's house, and she left me this absolutely lovely message!
(L)
http://www.photoblog.com/bemyinfatuation/2008/10/20/

Day ThirtyThree.

It's like being injected.
With all the shallow desires of society.
It's like being overtaken.
With visions of things I will never have.
It's like drowning.
In a waking dream just behind the glass of reality.

Day ThirtyTwo.

What is the point.
Of doing good things, when you don't even notice anyways.
And in the end, every little mistake will overwhelm you,
Even if you did everything exactly the way they wanted you to.
So why even bother.

Day ThirtyOne.

And then everything fucked up.
And October was supposed to be so good.

Day Thirty.

Everything feels amazing.
And I have no idea what to write, because I am just so ecstatic.

Day TwentyNine.

We watched the most heartbreaking documentary in Photography.
Called "Born Into Brothels".
It's an amazing movie.

It makes me want to do something.

Day TwentyEight.

xone.
too much everything, and i felt physically sick.
not that you noticed because you were so into yourself.
i felt like i was choking and i pushed away,
and you made me feel like there was
something wrong with me.
because i didn't like it.

xtwo.
the surroundings weren't ideal.
but there were times when everything was decent.
there were times when i thought it was okay.
it wasn't in a moment, it was like waiting for an end.
and there was experimentation,
with no excitement.
because you can't create chemistry.

xthree.
the first time everything clicked.
i remember the scent of watermelon.
i remember the scent of something artificial.
wanting and searching and falling.
and always, always looking for something more.
always finding getting something less.
and always hoping that everything would turn out okay.
i remember feeling chemistry.
i remember feeling empty.
hollow, and used.

xfour.
this is what unwanted tastes like.
this is what forbidden tastes like.
cigarettes and spearmint,
stubble and lip piercings.
i remember feeling exhilarated.
i remember feeling like a whore.
this is what curiosity tastes like.
secrets.
half-truths.

xfive.
this is what genuine feels like.
when you're no longer looking for anything because you've already found it.
when you can remember every detail.
like sexual tension and sunny days and starry nights.
and falling into something new.
because this time maybe everything,
will be perfect.

Day TwentySeven.

I made a new blog:
http://wordslyricsquotes.blogspot.com/

I don't know if I like it yet.

Day TwentySix.

My kitty fell asleep on my butt this morning.

Day TwentyFive.

My list of favorite places just keeps expanding because of you; (L)
But here are all of them.
Or most of them.

Vancouver, Victoria, Tofino, Whistler, NYC, Hawaii, Nice, Steveston, Toronto

Our old sailboat.
Long Beach.
Kitsilano Beach.
The ice cream place in Steveston.
Gary Point Park.
My cousin's apartment.
The Vancouver Aquarium.
Those waterfalls we always go to.
The PNE playland.
Wonderland.
My bedroom.
My backyard.
The hill by my house.
The boxy thing at Valleybrooke park.
Coronation Park.
Brigita's Backyard.
Downtown Oakville.
The Pier.
That extremely wavy beach in Hawaii.
My grandparent's sauna.
MOMA in NYC

I'll add more later.

Day TwentyFour

I'm getting really behind with my posts.
I really need to catch up,
October 10th was my thanksgiving dinner.
So I am going to make a list of 1o things I am thankful for. :)

one. the obvious. you know, friends, family, my house, my health, everything else.

two. how sunny and beautiful this weekend has been.

three. that my 11:11 wishes have been coming true so quickly! i hope that keeps happening.

four. being able to travel so much.

five. for my on-the-go playlist that puts me to sleep.

six. that you're still right here.

seven. for my dreams. because they always tell me little things about myself.

eight. for my camera because it captures the perfect moments!

nine. that you are probably just going through a phase.

ten. that everything has been going so good.!

Day TwentyThree.

I'm hoping tomorrow, I will have something to write about.

Day TwentyTwo

Notebook Writings Again:

You don't realize what you have.
And when everything evaporates right before your eyes
Then maybe you will see what you have lost.
And what you could've had
And what will never be yours.
Time will keep passing,
And then, you won't be able to hide any longer,
And then you will no longer be invincible.

Day TwentyOne.

Once, she stopped wishing on falling stars.
Letting them fall right by without a second glance,
Letting them fall right by without a second chance.
Because wishing wasn't working and her glass was empty and broken,
And she was tired of relying on sparks of possibility when everyone else had a blazing inferno.
Once, she allowed herself grave gratification,
The most horrible smudges on her beautiful canvas,
The seconds of satisfaction worth every scar.
Because nothing else would erase the ache in her system,
And she was sick of compulsion, she craved liberation.
Once, she gave into the thundering rain.
Wearing nothing but the night-sky, letting all her hopes and dreams wash away.
Right down the cracks in the sidewalk, right down the gutter.
Right down into the sewer until she had nothing left but the ghost of a smile,

And memories made of glass.
All because she chose to give in to dejection.
All because she chose to give up on herself.

Day Twenty.

The truth is, I'm impatient.
And what I really want you to do,
Is everything you've been thinking about doing all along.

Day Nineteen.

Ahaha.
I'm a great artist, I know.
(L)

Day Eighteen.

When I'm lying awake in bed, waiting to drift off,
When I'm walking by myself, counting the side walk cracks,
When I'm staring out the window in class,
When I'm listening to slow songs on repeat,
When I'm going somewhere, anywhere in our car,
Just whenever I have a moment,

I'm thinking about you.

Day Seventeen.

I missed a day again, but I wrote in my notebook:

True beauty, is not in the shape of your face, the colour of your eyes, the way your hair frames your face. It's not the size of clothes, the length of your eyelashes, the muscle tone of your thighs, how flat your stomach is.
It's the way you touch her face with such careful passion.
The way you hold yourself, with such confidence.
The intensity in your eyes when you look at him.
How you so tentatively push the hair out of your eyes.
The sound of your laughter, the sound of real tears slipping down your face.
Your energy. Your heat.
The way you make him/her/me feel.
Your tangibility.

Day Sixteen.

If you could just stop.
For one second, and listen to the rain splashing on the side walk.
Feel the drops sliding down your face, taste the thick humidity on the tip of your tongue.
Maybe you would let yourself notice that person looking at you in the scattered puddles.
Admit to yourself that the broken reflection is you.
Just stop over-thinking and let nature take its course.

Day Fifteen.

I just woke up, and I had the strangest dream about you.
I'm already forgetting the details,
But it basically goes like this:

I can't get ahold of you, and it's important.
It's driving me absolutely crazy.
So I go to school like normal, except everything is different.
You're hanging out in the back of the school, with people you never hang out with,
people I sometimes hangout with.
And I go up to you so I'm right up against you.
You're sitting down though, on a wooden bench.
And I take your phone, which is the same as mine.
To see if you've been getting my calls and stuff.
But I decide to open a game on your phone instead,
Unreal Tournament.
While I'm trying to figure out how to go back to the main menu, You lie down on the bench.
I come to sit down and you put your head in my lap,
And you changed the picture on my phone to a picture of me levitating and looking surprised,
Like I just woke up. But it's from some kind of video game.
I'm confused.
We talk, then. And decide we want to kill ourselves together.
It's a sunny day, and we walk under the trees, holding hands.
We're going to find the train so we can jump in front of it.
I think about whether I want to die, or if I just like the idea of dying.
"What if I don't want to die?" I ask you.
"We can wait, until I'm turning 17 and you're 18." You say.
We're not outside anymore, we're in the art room at school.
I tell you that sounds good.
Because I haven't fully experienced my life yet.
And I have things I want to do before I die I haven't done yet.
People are around us, doing things, the bell has rung and the next class is starting to come in.
You're leaning against the sink, and your hands are around my waist.
We just kind of stare at each other and I think about kissing you,
But then I decide I want you to kiss me first.
Neither of us does anything, though. And I wake up.

I wonder what it means.

Day Fourteen.

I am really trying not to freak out,
But I wanted to do well in school this year, and I'm already starting to fuck up.
And I'm really trying not to get emotional, but I can't fucking help it.
When I am this incredibly stupid.
I just hate it when everything goes wrong.