Day Thirteen.

I really like the dark room.
It's like this secret place where you have to be quiet and contemplative.
And you work in this red-tinted dim,
Working with corrosive chemicals, and shiny metals.
It's so poetic.
It's the kind of place that I'm going to be using to my advantage.
So I can have one of those moments that I always want to quote in books.
Or watch over and over again in movies.
You'll see.

Day Twelve.

I couldn't get onto the computer, so I wrote in my notebook, late last night. It doesn't really make much sense, but I thought it did at the time. Maybe it will make sense to you.

When I fall asleep,
All I want to dream about is you.
Because in my dreams,
We can be anything we want to be.
And every hour feels like days.
You cut through all the bullshit and
Let my mind do what it really wants to.
You make it all worth it.

Day Eleven.

I'm making this list for you.
This time I'm making it in pencil, because things change and I make mistakes.
I'm writing it in the back of my favorite notebook of the moment.
And it's really quite a great list.

Maybe one day I'll show it to you.
Well I hope one day I'll have a reason to.

Day Ten.

I love contact.
Tracing the contours of your body,
Feeling the bones and muscle tissue in your back.
Jaw lines and spinal cords and hip bones.
Ridges and finger tips and ribs.

When I was little, I used to play this game at sleepovers where you trace things onto someone's back.
My dad gave me this book about massage, so I would flip through it with my friends, trying every single technique.
And when I was in grade six, I got the first degree of Reiki.
[Reiki is a healing art where you channel life energy into someone's body using your hands.]
Just being close, and feeling their heat and feeling alive is so amazing.

Day Nine.

Sometimes, I miss the way it used to be when it was just us.
Making lists, making goals, making promises to always be there.
But things change and we've all went our separate ways.
And it's time for me to let go because I don't want to be that friend anymore.
I'm tired of chasing after people who don't really care about me.
I'm tired of changing the way I am.

When you're ready, I will be right here.
But until then, don't expect me to be your subordinate.

Day Eight.

I want you to take me & show me what it's like to lose.
I want you to take control.
I want you.

Day Seven.

One thing I've seen and experienced in high school is everything seems so much larger than life.
Every little incident in your day seems definitive,
Every person who notices you, every person who looks at you decides if you will go home with your head held high, or fall asleep in a pitiful ball, soaked in your own tears.

The truth is outside of this little bubble,
No one gives a shit about the girl next to you with the bleached blond hair who gets fucked up every weekend with her "friends".
Because, "Partying" and "Chilling with friends" are not hobbies, and what you love and what you do is what defines you. If you can't find anything to focus yourself into, and express yourself through, what are you? No one. Just another pretty face. Who will grow up, and get old.
And then be just another sad, lonely middle aged person working at a minimum wage fast food joint.
You know exactly who I'm talking about.
They kind of people you look at and wonder,
"What the fuck happened to them."

Day Six.

It's been a while since I have felt so reciprocated.
It's always too much or not enough.
I'm either your bitch, or you're mine.
I either feel suffocated or neglected.
But right now, I only feel good.

On the other hand, I've completely lost you into a world I don't even understand.
I don't know what happened to you, but you're definitely not the same.
Because I know you would never give up your friends.
And I know you would never become what everyone else thinks is the ideal.
And I always thought I would be able to trust you no matter what happens.
That you'd always be there for me, because I'm always right here for you.
But I feel like I don't even know you anymore.
I don't know anything about your life and you don't care to know about mine.
Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
Except if I did talk to brick walls, they wouldn't make me feel like I'm a worthless piece-of-shit whore.

Day Five.

I think one of my favorite pasttimes is just lying on the grass looking at the sky.
Like that time way back when at valleybrookpark when the sun was setting.
And we all lied on each other's stomachs and listened to those gurgling sounds that remind me of outerspace.
Or that other time when we took pictures in the grass and listened to the songs on your phone and went on an adventure.
Like today where I fell asleep lying on your stomach being lied on by a little girl, like a bunch of lizards basking in the sun, eating gummy worms,
waiting for the pain to go away.
It's all just so right-now, inthemoment, with no responsibilites and no plans.
Like nothing else matters but what's right in front of you right then.

Day Four.

Remember that time I made that stupid decision?
Like a night of heavy drinking, with a garbage bag ready because you know by the end, all the goodtimes will be lost in the uncomfortable moments that make you physically sick.

And more than anything I regret doing that to myself, and I regret doing that to you.
I am not faultless but I have changed.
And after all those months of self-inflicted torture I have let go.
I promise.

Day Three.

In photography and printmaking, I made a stencil based on this post secret:

Because every single night I wish. And when my wishes don't come true, I just keep wishing until they do. Because they always come true, unless it was a shit wish I shouldn't have wished in the first place. And I'm still wishing that same wish, you know.

Day Two.

I realized, I can't write poetry anymore.
All my poems have been about wanting him and being hurt and being torn.
About being unhappy.
But I don't want him anymore.
And I don't feel hurt anymore.
And I am not torn at all.
I know exactly what I want, and I feel good.
I would give up my writing abilities for that any day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A one way window seems to block
Emotions running through my veins
But after the initial shock
I start to feel the throbbing, numbing pain

Embrace the torture, Feed the flame
From tainted nightmares I’ll awake
And maybe I am not to blame
For all my imperfections and mistakes

In my reflection all I see
Atrocious shadows on the glass
A bleak cause for my infamy
And your attention never seems to last

Is every word you say a lie
And surely truth is much more grim
Am I so flawless in your eyes
Self doubt will cause vitality to dim

I’ll halt my tears, I’ll hide my face
Corrupting thoughts corrode my mind
My trepidation is misplaced
And in the end, my feelings intertwine
And in the end uncertainty defined

+

These nights my moral thoughts are faded
As if I am intoxicated
And here with him is where I must remain

The grit and sand that blinds my mind
Leaves all my doubts of him behind
In this infatuation glass should reign

Yet when I'm in your line of fire
This jealousy spurns my desire
An aspiration running through my veins

With just one glance my heart does race
And every minute seems to waste
Narcotics, sweet from which I must abstain.

But even if dreams come to pass
How long will this fixation last
Before it slips away right down the drain.

It feels as if my heart might break
But I will do all it may take
To make sure all my feelings are restrained.

Is all this torture worth the while
As I can taste the acrid bile
In every choice there will be certain pain

Embrace the freedom and misplace
The thought of fingers interlaced
Until our reverie awakes again.

Tomorrow is another day
Although it may seem far away
And one day I will know your heat again.

+

A day ago I would have thought,
Today would be the end of us.
For what is real and what is not,
And what is love and what is lust,
I've taken so long to adjust,
To this condition I have caught.
This heart condition I have fought.

A month ago I would have said,
That you were just a waste of time.
Another anchor made of lead,
And memories of the sublime.
The pain you caused should be a crime.
For all the salty tears I shed,
For all the truths that went unsaid.

Tomorrow you may let me go,
To leave me here, alone and cold,
But I will warm this frozen snow,
If only fervor was controlled,
If only I was yours to hold.
You say goodbye, I say hello,
Let's kiss again so deep and slow,
And you will whisper "quid pro quo",
But I will never answer no.

+

My thoughts and feelings are sincere
But why do you still linger here
The loss of you has made it hard to cope.

I tear to pieces and deface
The memories I can't replace
Nostalgia makes me sick, I choke on hope.

I try to stop at just one tear
But this dam breaks and it is clear
The hurt I feel is all because of you.

I wish that I could just erase
The way I felt in your embrace
The way it felt when everything was new.

I know it's futile, but I dwell
On tender moments that dispel
The true reality of this deceit.

And you don't care but still I try
Was every word a fucking lie
I might as well give up, admit defeat.

Remember nights before I fell
And there I didn't need to quell
Emotions run amok as I contend.

You talk to me and I just cry
It’s better just to say goodbye
And stop this heartache, I must face the end.

+

here's to you and your
plastic personality
fake smile, glassy eyes.

zero calories
dreaming of the day when I'll
be perfect enough.

flip the hair out of
your eyes and fix that blank stare
on someone who cares.

drink until you drop
smoke until you cough cough cough
bleed until it stops.

i'll bite my lip
like i do everytime
before we kiss

i once saw a face
that made me forget what it's
like to be perfect

unconditional
unrequited and it hurts
to want you this much.

you are so gorgeous
that i may just trip and fall
head over heels for you.

the way you kissed me
carelessly void of any
emotion at all.

Day One.

I like knowing that I have somewhere to write.
That anyone could be reading this, that anything could happen.
I think I am going to try and write an entry for every single day until my next birthday.
And this is going to be the beginning.


I was reading a book about a girl who was murdered, it's called "The Lovely Bones", and this girl's life ends at the age of fourteen. She never gets to fully grow up and experience living to its full extent. I was thinking, that maybe it is time for me to stop being scared of everyone and everything. If I died today, I want to be able to feel like I had lived every year of my life to its fullest. I don't want to pretend anymore, and that's why I'm going to write what I honestly think right here.