Day ThirtySix.

Notebook writings continued.

October 2007 - Now.

And I've never felt
So happy in a cage.
I think this is the first time
I've been happy without the key.
But I still can't help
But reach my hands through the bars
Grasping on to anyone
Who comes near enough.


Did you know
This is the first time I've liked being kissed.
Did you know
That 3 weeks is my longest relationship.
Did you know
I can slip away
Just like that.
But I won't,
Because I want you.


I've come to the end
With a heavy heart.
Because I'm still lost in this maze of
infatuation
As you escape with your dignity.
I should've known it was all
Too good to be true.
I should've known better
Than to let my guard down.


I'm still hoping,
That this is just a phase.
Because you mean too much to me,
And it seems like I mean
So little
to you.


I just want
My heart to beat a little faster
My head to spin a little more often
My breath to catch in my throat
I just want to take in everything
And give nothing back.


I hope you give her everything,
And she leaves you with nothing.
With empty promises, with unanswered questions.
With everything you deserve.


It's just.
Your face holds so many memories
And so many hopes and dreams
And so many lies.
It's just
Those eyes don't deserve to be looked at
Those eyes drive me crazy.
It's just
I kind of want you to disappear forever.
So I never have to remember.


I didn't know it was possible
To feel this torn between selling myself out
And becoming the kind of person I've never wanted to be
Or letting myself fall for you.
Being flawless.
Because the perfect girl,
Is the one who would never let
Guys like you, finish last.


Finally.
I can leave my pathetic dreams in the safety of my memories.
Forever locked away.


You know how I know I fucked up?
Because you were there for me even after I gave you up.
Because you are supportive and sweet and make me smile.
Because you have always made me feel different.
Because you make my chest ache.
Because you are engaging.
Because you make me want to stay up all night.
Because you are everything he isn't and more.


Remember when we were driving at night and you asked me,
If I ever felt purposeless, like I've hit rock bottom,
And have no where left to go?
Like nothing has any meaning.


I'll just hug my pillow
And pretend that it's you
Until you're ready
For me to hug you
So I don't need a pillow.


You could be the one.
The one who I could call mine and mean it.
The one who would be there for me no matter what.
The one who I could make a million new memories with.
The one who I could lose everything to.


I'm yours
And I'm happy
And things couldn't be better.


My friends always laugh at me
In advanced functions.
Because of the way my eyes glaze over
And the way I smile
When I'm thinking about you.


Maybe it's because you're just the one I need,
And you're here at just the right time.
But I'm falling for your smile
And the way you know me
The way you touch me
The way you make me feel
Like I'm not alone.