Day Thirteen.

I really like the dark room.
It's like this secret place where you have to be quiet and contemplative.
And you work in this red-tinted dim,
Working with corrosive chemicals, and shiny metals.
It's so poetic.
It's the kind of place that I'm going to be using to my advantage.
So I can have one of those moments that I always want to quote in books.
Or watch over and over again in movies.
You'll see.

Day Twelve.

I couldn't get onto the computer, so I wrote in my notebook, late last night. It doesn't really make much sense, but I thought it did at the time. Maybe it will make sense to you.

When I fall asleep,
All I want to dream about is you.
Because in my dreams,
We can be anything we want to be.
And every hour feels like days.
You cut through all the bullshit and
Let my mind do what it really wants to.
You make it all worth it.

Day Eleven.

I'm making this list for you.
This time I'm making it in pencil, because things change and I make mistakes.
I'm writing it in the back of my favorite notebook of the moment.
And it's really quite a great list.

Maybe one day I'll show it to you.
Well I hope one day I'll have a reason to.

Day Ten.

I love contact.
Tracing the contours of your body,
Feeling the bones and muscle tissue in your back.
Jaw lines and spinal cords and hip bones.
Ridges and finger tips and ribs.

When I was little, I used to play this game at sleepovers where you trace things onto someone's back.
My dad gave me this book about massage, so I would flip through it with my friends, trying every single technique.
And when I was in grade six, I got the first degree of Reiki.
[Reiki is a healing art where you channel life energy into someone's body using your hands.]
Just being close, and feeling their heat and feeling alive is so amazing.

Day Nine.

Sometimes, I miss the way it used to be when it was just us.
Making lists, making goals, making promises to always be there.
But things change and we've all went our separate ways.
And it's time for me to let go because I don't want to be that friend anymore.
I'm tired of chasing after people who don't really care about me.
I'm tired of changing the way I am.

When you're ready, I will be right here.
But until then, don't expect me to be your subordinate.

Day Eight.

I want you to take me & show me what it's like to lose.
I want you to take control.
I want you.

Day Seven.

One thing I've seen and experienced in high school is everything seems so much larger than life.
Every little incident in your day seems definitive,
Every person who notices you, every person who looks at you decides if you will go home with your head held high, or fall asleep in a pitiful ball, soaked in your own tears.

The truth is outside of this little bubble,
No one gives a shit about the girl next to you with the bleached blond hair who gets fucked up every weekend with her "friends".
Because, "Partying" and "Chilling with friends" are not hobbies, and what you love and what you do is what defines you. If you can't find anything to focus yourself into, and express yourself through, what are you? No one. Just another pretty face. Who will grow up, and get old.
And then be just another sad, lonely middle aged person working at a minimum wage fast food joint.
You know exactly who I'm talking about.
They kind of people you look at and wonder,
"What the fuck happened to them."