I guess it's cool that you're reading my blog.

Expectations.

2009-03-10T22:52:00.001-04:00

They only set you up for disappointment.

If I never expected anything,
Maybe I would be happy.

take a chance.

2009-03-03T21:53:00.001-05:00

I don’t know why I’m writing this, or why I think you might care.
I don’t know why I’m bothering to reach out when I have a feeling you might just push me away.
I guess it’s the fact that I’m holding onto the hope that you might read this and go,
“Hey. I know what she’s talking about. I can relate, and I care.”
Is it stupid to be so optimistic? And to hope that one day people will notice how hard I am trying?
I just wanted to tell someone, that I think you should never, ever give up on the things you care about most.
Promise me, that you will never let those things slide away.
Because believe me, it’s all worth fighting for.
Put yourself out there, bare it all and you have nothing to lose.
Because for every rejection, you can know that you did everything possible to try and make something happen.
For every opportunity that falls away, you can know that you gave it your all.
You will never have to dwell on what could, might, have happened, because you will know.
Fuck, just don’t be stubborn and put everything on the line like I always seem to do.

february.

2009-03-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

I really don’t know what the fuck it is that I want to say.
Maybe that I’m not happy, and I’m not ready to face whatever it is that’s tearing me apart.
I don’t mean to be melodramatic, and I don’t mean to say that I have it bad.
Because I don’t, everything is just great.
I am just unable to feel good.
It’s like I can feel everything crumbling and falling apart around me.
And I know tomorrow when I wake up, you won’t necessarily be there.

quote for gabby

2009-03-03T20:44:00.002-05:00

you taught me;

2009-03-02T22:45:00.002-05:00

Despite all the heart ache..

BR: No one is worth it if you are always going to be back-up; if you are disposable.

JH: Beauty is only skin-deep, and is never satisfying.

DS: Put yourself out there and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

DK: People change, and you can spend your time missing the person they used to be, or move on and embrace/leave behind the person they have become.

BS: Everything happens for a reason; Don't allow yourself to be used, respect yourself.

CS: Don't set up assholes with friends.

JA: Always allow yourself to dream.

lucky

2009-02-18T20:44:00.001-05:00

trying

2009-02-18T20:14:00.002-05:00

i'm trying
so hard
to just let go
of my addiction
to maybe be a little bit more
healthy about my consumption
but it's like
the less i have
the more i need
and i just feel weaker
than i did
before
i even bothered trying.

this sickness is overwhelming.
and it's kind of hard to think.
my emotions are blinding me.
and i just
need
this.
before it's too late
and i have nothing left.
nothing left but that
bitter empty feeling
of defeat

just like last time.
just like every time.

everything

2009-02-17T21:58:00.002-05:00

feels so different
but it's just going
just going
to turn out the same
as it always does
because
i am me
and
i don't give what i get
i just dont know
when it's time
to stop
being naive
because i am
just that
just that word
just another word for that word.

happy valentine's day.

2009-02-15T11:50:00.002-05:00

2009-02-06T18:23:00.003-05:00

everything is shit except for you.

deforestation.

2009-02-01T22:00:00.003-05:00

Secluded forests once did grow
In realms which we should never know
And yet their secrets we upturn
The earth will whisper "Quid Pro Quo"

And we acknowledge her concern
But we give nothing in return
For all that's lost is left to gain
The shallow wealth for which we yearn

As all her children cry in pain
Her mournful tears fall down as rain
Her sorrow seems to flood the sky
And yet her efforts are in vain

There's nothing left to do but lie
Awake at night and wonder why
We'd want her body up in smoke
We want to hear her children cry

We want to see her cough and choke
Forget the guilt that she provokes
So we can reap what she has sown
And feed the fire we have stoke

As she let's out her final moan
We feel a chill right to the bone
As unbeknownst our fate is sealed
A future that we should have known

Well once a forest, now a field
And her deep wounds will never heal
Are we aware of our induction
The bitter close will be revealed

We are the cause of this corruption
The victims of a true seduction
The consequence of this production
Is our own end by self-destruction.

-- written as a photo essay on Deforestation.

i found the images on flickr.

discovery.

2009-01-22T19:37:00.004-05:00

I just want to lock my door forever,
& never come out.
So we can just stay in our own little world.

On Growing to Love.

2009-01-12T21:04:00.000-05:00

- shanese . says:
maybe he'll grow on her.
like a tree suffocating a flower with it's roots.

ilymtyk.

2009-01-07T20:02:00.003-05:00

I love you.
I love you more than homemade ice cream cake on my birthday.
I love you more than playing in the waves of Hawaii.
I love you more than saunas in the winter and pools in the summer.
I love you more than my belly button.
I love you more than summer nights sleeping on my trampoline.
I love you more than creamsicles and sleepovers.
I love you more than knowing secrets.
I love you more than the flavour blue
I love you more than I thought was probable.
I love you more than you think.

inspiration.

first stanza.

2009-01-07T19:54:00.002-05:00

The world as I once knew it is remade
As simple pleasures slowly slip away
And memories of tender moments fade
Left dwelling on what caused us to decay.

My friend wanted help writing the first stanza of his sonnet on lost love.

postsecret sundays.

2009-01-04T21:08:00.003-05:00

happy new years.

2009-01-01T23:24:00.003-05:00

I have been neglecting my blog,
And it has become a habit.
So I have decided for the new year,
I will not try to write an entry for everyday,
Only when I feel like writing.
Ye.

Here are my new years resolutions:

Do whatever it takes to feel comfortable with my body/Stop caring so much about what other people think about my body.
Get a 90% average.
Try not to let my peers affect the way I think.
Avoid all unnecessary drama.
Continue being happy & in love.

Day EightyTwo.

2008-12-14T19:26:00.003-05:00

When you wrapped your arms around me,
And held me like I meant something.

--------------------------------------------------------
I have too much to do,
So I will catch up after christmas.

Day EightyOne.

2008-12-09T21:53:00.002-05:00

Gingerbread Houses,
Twister,
Monopoly,
Love Actually,
Grilled Cheese,
Christmas Cocktails,
CandyCane IceCream.

(L)

Day Eighty.

2008-12-08T23:46:00.002-05:00

Gossip Girl makes me too emotional.

Christmas is driving me insane.

My parents are annoying the shit out of me.

And you are just amazing.

Day SeventyNine.

2008-12-05T22:56:00.003-05:00

I am so incredibly frustrated & irritated.

I hate how jealous you make me feel.
And I hate how you can get away with murder.

It disgusts me how self-centered and conceited you all are.
And I am disgusted with how low that can make me sink.

I am doing and saying things that friends are not supposed to say about their friends,
And It is driving me insane.

Please, ground me.

Day SeventyEight.

2008-12-03T20:33:00.002-05:00

It's a struggle to write about anything other than
the way you make me feel.

Day SeventySeven.

2008-12-02T23:13:00.002-05:00

These are
Ten Things To Make You Feel Beautiful.

#1:
This is silly. But I like being silly and I'm not ready to be serious so,
Dear myself,
I really love it when you tuck me into bed at night,
And how you so carefully hide away every important keepsake so I can go back and look at it whenever I like.
And sometimes, I really want to smack you.
Because you're a bit of a freak.
But that's okay,
Because at least you're different.
And it's better to be interesting and a freak.
Then a normal and bland.
I sometimes love you, me.
Sincerely, Arielle. :)

#2:
still need to do this.

#3:
-in progress-

#4:
I love all the experiences I've had.
I love knowing that I'm safe and have people I can trust.
I love those days where everything just feels so perfect.
I love how I have been sheltered, but still allowed the freedom to make my own mistakes.
I love the moments in between the thought and the action.

#5:
"lol ok um your personality, your pretty, when you write me notes ahaha, when you write good blogs about me lol, when you come to my games aha"

#6:
still need to do this.

#7:
I usually do.
In particular, right now.
My mind is saying
"Do your math homework so you don't feel like shit tomorrow!"
and other silly things.

#8:
I have kissed new enough people. (L)

#9:
-in progress-

#10:
I do that every chance I get. :)
(Ice Cream)

loveeeeeeee.

Day SeventySix.

2008-12-02T23:06:00.002-05:00

The only thing I fear is
Being completely isolated from all positive social interaction.
Like.
Waking up alone, with no one to talk to except myself -- All other living things gone.
Having everyone who has ever loved me and who had the possibility of one day loving me, forgetting I exist. Or hating me.
Being the only person capable of affection, desire and compassion.
That scares the shit out of me.

http://theonlythingtofearis.blogspot.com/

Day SeventyFive.

2008-12-02T23:01:00.006-05:00

thankyou.

Day Seventy Four.

2008-12-02T22:04:00.003-05:00

Every moment of
Pure raw emotion shocks me
Into Abandon.

Day Seventy Three.

2008-11-30T16:32:00.003-05:00

You are so easily convinced, that he cares about you.
SO easily convinced that everything will be all right,
That there is an explanation for his mistakes,
That there is a reason why he has left you hanging,
Again.

Day SeventyTwo.

2008-11-27T18:01:00.001-05:00

I'm falling in love with my pen.

Day SeventyOne.

2008-11-26T23:24:00.001-05:00

Hypocrite,
I don't know how to tell you
That all the things you complain about are true about you too.

Day Seventy.

2008-11-25T22:38:00.002-05:00

I can hear the sound of defeat
And the dwindling armies, they start to retreat
And the waves keep on splashing the salt in my hair
But this tired old veil has started to tear
And the sun's shining through with a powerful light
The past keeps on dimming the future seems bright
My eyelids grow heavy, but I'm still awake
The feelings that flood me are vexing to fake
And as I fall deeper I know what is true,
Waking is dreaming when I am with you.

Day SixtyNine.

2008-11-24T23:02:00.002-05:00

Slow down,
So I can hear myself think
And the ground that's beneath us has no time to sink
And the wind rushing past us has no where to go
And the clock in my chest is just starting to slow
Speed up,
And I'll catch my breath
Surpass all the odds and we will avert death
The ticking hand tells me that you're all I need
And swallows me whole, as I'm lost in the speed.

Day SixtyEight.

2008-11-23T21:30:00.002-05:00

;)

Day SixtySeven.

2008-11-23T21:29:00.001-05:00

It's getting more difficult with each passing second to stay in control.

Day SixtySix.

2008-11-23T20:10:00.003-05:00

cont.

Number Four:

I'm writing to apologize for letting our friendship slip away.
I've written to you in my notebooks, but you'll never see those letters.
It's too late to fix the way we ended.
I have missed you a lot, and sometimes I still do.
I used to know you so well, and sometimes when I look at you,
I feel like I'm looking at a different person.
The truth is. I know I'm in the wrong.
No matter what I may have thought, felt,
I shouldn't have put anyone before our friendship.
And although I am hurt you gave up on me for such a seemingly trivial reason,
I have come to understand how much something like what I did to you can hurt.
I'm so sorry.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so sorry for everything I put you through.
I hope you know you mean everything to me.

Day SixtyFive.

2008-11-20T21:46:00.002-05:00

I will do these things.

Number Two:

belly button.
shoulder blades.
the colour of my eyes.
back dimples.
hair when it's wavy.

Day SixtyFour.

2008-11-20T21:09:00.004-05:00

"If You Don't Believe Anything, Please Believe This"

I found a blog that inspired me to write.
http://youareremarkable.wordpress.com/

Day SixtyThree.

2008-11-20T18:01:00.002-05:00

I keep getting so behind in my blogging,
Because the only time I have anything to write about,
Is when I want something I can't have.

Day SixtyTwo.

2008-11-20T17:55:00.002-05:00

What is the purpose of life,
And is there a god,
And where do we go when we die,
And do we have souls.
All of those unanswerable questions,

Make me wonder.
And I love wondering with all of you.

Day Sixtyone.

2008-11-16T20:38:00.001-05:00

You are the first.

Day Sixty.

2008-11-16T20:29:00.002-05:00

Instant gratification, right at my fingertips.
The last thing that I want to do is lose control.

Day FiftyNine.

2008-11-16T19:48:00.002-05:00

Out-of-Bounds.
Is the way to go.
Because the way my heart drops into my stomach,
And the way heat spreads through me like water soaking through the bathroom tiles.
Is enough to make me faint,

Day FiftyEight.

2008-11-16T19:46:00.001-05:00

one week.

Day Fiftyseven.

2008-11-12T22:53:00.002-05:00

I started to write an embarrassing poem, then thought better of it.

Day FiftySix.

2008-11-11T16:24:00.003-05:00

I thought this was cute
like your face

Day FiftyFive.

2008-11-10T20:21:00.002-05:00

I would really like to live in a cliche of picture perfect moments.
Warmed by the sun through my window, with white sheets and red roses and breakfast in bed.
Fluffy snow angels, and mitten hand holding,
With hot chocolate and marshmallows, and red cheeks.
And happy endings.

Day FiftyFour.

2008-11-09T11:32:00.001-05:00

Day FiftyThree.

2008-11-09T10:49:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure that everyday things are just getting better and better, again.
Because I love the type of days where everything feels cozy,
And cute and wonderful.
Because,
I love playing monopoly, and baking cookies, and massages, and movies, and kissing, and cuddling,
SO MUCH.

Also, I make the best cookies.

Day FiftyTwo.

2008-11-07T23:08:00.002-05:00

I love how we cuddle, and look up sex tips, and have tickle fights, and do massages, and eat rocky road ice cream, and cantalope, and oranges, and gossip, and listen to cute songs on youtube, and pretend that our popsicle is karen's boyfriend's little friend, and how both of you say silly things like "I don't like how it smells like worms outside!", and how one of you is a germaphobe, and how you say silly words like festering, and how we all get all red after like less than one shot,

And just how great it is to have such amazing friends. (L)

Day FiftyOne.

2008-11-07T16:56:00.000-05:00

I think.
That you just made my life.

Day Fifty.

2008-11-05T17:36:00.004-05:00

I am making a wishlist,
Just for fun.

Day FortyNine.

2008-11-04T20:13:00.003-05:00

I don't know what to write.

Day FortyEight.

2008-11-03T21:18:00.002-05:00

I wish that everything was as simple as a 2 piece puzzle.
I wish that everything was as clear as polished glass.
I wish that everything was as absolute as the earth beneath our feet.
I wish that everything was as auspicious as eleven, eleven p.m.
I wish that everything was as inspiring as the way you make me feel.

I wish that everything was as arresting
as those perfect moments in between the thought and the action.

Day FortySeven.

2008-11-02T19:40:00.001-05:00

Maybe.

Day FortySix.

2008-11-02T19:34:00.002-05:00

"Oh Gary, you're such a mancatch."
I love you two!
Ahahaha.
STIFFY.

Day FortyFive.

2008-11-02T19:33:00.001-05:00

Halloween was amazing.
Definitely an amazing party,
With amazing people,
And amazing costumes,
I especially loved how we matched. :)

Day FortyFour.

2008-11-01T14:28:00.002-04:00

You make my life,
Because.
When I have a bad day,
Only you would watch home videos from 1995 with me.
Instead of going to the dance.
And not complain.
(L)

Day FortyThree.

2008-10-29T21:36:00.002-04:00

I am so desperate for some type of change that it's driving me insane.
I am so desperate to know that what I have is constant and I still have something left to give.
Because I am tired of looking in the mirror and willing myself to see something I'm not.
And I am so sick of putting on a happy face and playing nice s0 I won't offend people who don't know or care about me.
I don't want to be the cause of your disappointment, embarrassment, disgust, frustration,
resentment..
anymore.

Day FortyTwo.

2008-10-28T20:42:00.002-04:00

You have to be willing to take a risk and lose everything,

If you ever want to gain anything.

Day FortyOne.

2008-10-27T21:34:00.002-04:00

Sluttyslutslutsluttyslutslutsluttyslut.

Usually, I have this very stylized way of writing,
But I just don't really feel like writing this post like that.
I saw one of my secrets on the post secret myspace today!
I would've posted it in my post secret post.
But it's pretty embarrassing so I didn't.

If you are a certain ignorant asshole,
Here are some activities you might like to try today:

Choking to death on your own saliva.
Burning your face off with some lighter fluid.
Running into a brick wall.

If you are anyone else,
Here are some other activities you might want to try:

Write me a letter.
Send a postcard to postsecret.com
Post a sentence on onesentence.org
Make a photoblog and be my photoblog friend.
Draw me a picture.
Maybe post a comment!
Maybe not post a comment, and just lurk away.
Make your own blog!

Okay, I think I'm done.

(L)

Day Forty.

2008-10-27T21:21:00.003-04:00

I don't want to wait anymore

Day ThirtyNine.

2008-10-27T21:10:00.002-04:00

I'm really behind.
My bad.

The thing I love about being scared,
Is how your body reacts to it.
Like.
How the hair on the back of your neck stands on end.
And how your heart rate seems to triple.
Andn how you can almost feel the blood rushing through your veins.
I just love the adrenaline rush,
And the atmosphere,
And all the excuses to be close to you.

Day ThirtyEight.

2008-10-25T16:43:00.001-04:00

You intoxicate me.

Day ThirtySeven.

2008-10-23T18:51:00.003-04:00

I'm still writing you this list and I'm on number fifty-two.
In case you were wondering.

Day ThirtySix.

2008-10-22T21:05:00.004-04:00

Notebook writings continued.

October 2007 - Now.

And I've never felt
So happy in a cage.
I think this is the first time
I've been happy without the key.
But I still can't help
But reach my hands through the bars
Grasping on to anyone
Who comes near enough.

Did you know
This is the first time I've liked being kissed.
Did you know
That 3 weeks is my longest relationship.
Did you know
I can slip away
Just like that.
But I won't,
Because I want you.

I've come to the end
With a heavy heart.
Because I'm still lost in this maze of
infatuation
As you escape with your dignity.
I should've known it was all
Too good to be true.
I should've known better
Than to let my guard down.

I'm still hoping,
That this is just a phase.
Because you mean too much to me,
And it seems like I mean
So little
to you.

I just want
My heart to beat a little faster
My head to spin a little more often
My breath to catch in my throat
I just want to take in everything
And give nothing back.

I hope you give her everything,
And she leaves you with nothing.
With empty promises, with unanswered questions.
With everything you deserve.

It's just.
Your face holds so many memories
And so many hopes and dreams
And so many lies.
It's just
Those eyes don't deserve to be looked at
Those eyes drive me crazy.
It's just
I kind of want you to disappear forever.
So I never have to remember.

I didn't know it was possible
To feel this torn between selling myself out
And becoming the kind of person I've never wanted to be
Or letting myself fall for you.
Being flawless.
Because the perfect girl,
Is the one who would never let
Guys like you, finish last.

Finally.
I can leave my pathetic dreams in the safety of my memories.
Forever locked away.

You know how I know I fucked up?
Because you were there for me even after I gave you up.
Because you are supportive and sweet and make me smile.
Because you have always made me feel different.
Because you make my chest ache.
Because you are engaging.
Because you make me want to stay up all night.
Because you are everything he isn't and more.

Remember when we were driving at night and you asked me,
If I ever felt purposeless, like I've hit rock bottom,
And have no where left to go?
Like nothing has any meaning.

I'll just hug my pillow
And pretend that it's you
Until you're ready
For me to hug you
So I don't need a pillow.

You could be the one.
The one who I could call mine and mean it.
The one who would be there for me no matter what.
The one who I could make a million new memories with.
The one who I could lose everything to.

I'm yours
And I'm happy
And things couldn't be better.

My friends always laugh at me
In advanced functions.
Because of the way my eyes glaze over
And the way I smile
When I'm thinking about you.

Maybe it's because you're just the one I need,
And you're here at just the right time.
But I'm falling for your smile
And the way you know me
The way you touch me
The way you make me feel
Like I'm not alone.

Day ThirtyFive.

2008-10-22T20:51:00.003-04:00

I finished writing in one of my notebooks that I started writing in last summer.
Here are some of the things I wrote that aren't incredibly embarrassing. :)

May, June, July, August, 2007.

Just sitting on my roof
Listening to the cars drive by
Watching life pass me by
Letting myself be swallowed up
By the darkness
Becoming nothing.
Becoming something.
And then when its quiet,
When there aren't anymore cars driving by,
I'll climb through my window, back to my room.
And time will start again.
It won't just be me anymore.
And I'll fall asleep.

Last night I dreamt that it was
Me and you against the world.
We didn't need anyone else.
And when I woke up,
I just wanted you again.
Another chance.
Because I liked it when we were
Fighting for freedom together.

And it hurts to say
But I'll miss you more
And less everyday.
Because nothing woke me up
Like listening to you.

Why is it that I finally get what I want
And I don't want it.
Because now that you're gone,
I can't imagine wanting anything more
than you.

You are the most
amazing thing that's happened
to me this summer.
And I hate you now that you've left me.

Day ThirtyFour.

2008-10-20T20:30:00.009-04:00

I left my camera at my friend's house, and she left me this absolutely lovely message!
(L)
http://www.photoblog.com/bemyinfatuation/2008/10/20/

Day ThirtyThree.

2008-10-19T10:37:00.003-04:00

It's like being injected.
With all the shallow desires of society.
It's like being overtaken.
With visions of things I will never have.
It's like drowning.
In a waking dream just behind the glass of reality.

Day ThirtyTwo.

2008-10-18T11:07:00.003-04:00

What is the point.
Of doing good things, when you don't even notice anyways.
And in the end, every little mistake will overwhelm you,
Even if you did everything exactly the way they wanted you to.
So why even bother.

Day ThirtyOne.

2008-10-18T11:03:00.001-04:00

And then everything fucked up.
And October was supposed to be so good.

Day Thirty.

2008-10-16T20:20:00.003-04:00

Everything feels amazing.
And I have no idea what to write, because I am just so ecstatic.

Day TwentyNine.

2008-10-15T19:47:00.003-04:00

We watched the most heartbreaking documentary in Photography.
Called "Born Into Brothels".
It's an amazing movie.

It makes me want to do something.

Day TwentyEight.

2008-10-14T17:35:00.002-04:00

xone.
too much everything, and i felt physically sick.
not that you noticed because you were so into yourself.
i felt like i was choking and i pushed away,
and you made me feel like there was
something wrong with me.
because i didn't like it.

xtwo.
the surroundings weren't ideal.
but there were times when everything was decent.
there were times when i thought it was okay.
it wasn't in a moment, it was like waiting for an end.
and there was experimentation,
with no excitement.
because you can't create chemistry.

xthree.
the first time everything clicked.
i remember the scent of watermelon.
i remember the scent of something artificial.
wanting and searching and falling.
and always, always looking for something more.
always finding getting something less.
and always hoping that everything would turn out okay.
i remember feeling chemistry.
i remember feeling empty.
hollow, and used.

xfour.
this is what unwanted tastes like.
this is what forbidden tastes like.
cigarettes and spearmint,
stubble and lip piercings.
i remember feeling exhilarated.
i remember feeling like a whore.
this is what curiosity tastes like.
secrets.
half-truths.

xfive.
this is what genuine feels like.
when you're no longer looking for anything because you've already found it.
when you can remember every detail.
like sexual tension and sunny days and starry nights.
and falling into something new.
because this time maybe everything,
will be perfect.

Day TwentySeven.

2008-10-13T11:02:00.001-04:00

I made a new blog:
http://wordslyricsquotes.blogspot.com/

I don't know if I like it yet.

Day TwentySix.

2008-10-12T12:22:00.002-04:00

My kitty fell asleep on my butt this morning.

Day TwentyFive.

2008-10-12T12:21:00.001-04:00

My list of favorite places just keeps expanding because of you; (L)
But here are all of them.
Or most of them.

Vancouver, Victoria, Tofino, Whistler, NYC, Hawaii, Nice, Steveston, Toronto

Our old sailboat.
Long Beach.
Kitsilano Beach.
The ice cream place in Steveston.
Gary Point Park.
My cousin's apartment.
The Vancouver Aquarium.
Those waterfalls we always go to.
The PNE playland.
Wonderland.
My bedroom.
My backyard.
The hill by my house.
The boxy thing at Valleybrooke park.
Coronation Park.
Brigita's Backyard.
Downtown Oakville.
The Pier.
That extremely wavy beach in Hawaii.
My grandparent's sauna.
MOMA in NYC

I'll add more later.

Day TwentyFour

2008-10-12T12:19:00.002-04:00

I'm getting really behind with my posts.
I really need to catch up,
October 10th was my thanksgiving dinner.
So I am going to make a list of 1o things I am thankful for. :)

one. the obvious. you know, friends, family, my house, my health, everything else.

two. how sunny and beautiful this weekend has been.

three. that my 11:11 wishes have been coming true so quickly! i hope that keeps happening.

four. being able to travel so much.

five. for my on-the-go playlist that puts me to sleep.

six. that you're still right here.

seven. for my dreams. because they always tell me little things about myself.

eight. for my camera because it captures the perfect moments!

nine. that you are probably just going through a phase.

ten. that everything has been going so good.!

Day TwentyThree.

2008-10-10T00:54:00.000-04:00

I'm hoping tomorrow, I will have something to write about.

Day TwentyTwo

2008-10-10T00:51:00.002-04:00

Notebook Writings Again:

You don't realize what you have.
And when everything evaporates right before your eyes
Then maybe you will see what you have lost.
And what you could've had
And what will never be yours.
Time will keep passing,
And then, you won't be able to hide any longer,
And then you will no longer be invincible.

Day TwentyOne.

2008-10-07T20:54:00.003-04:00

Once, she stopped wishing on falling stars.
Letting them fall right by without a second glance,
Letting them fall right by without a second chance.
Because wishing wasn't working and her glass was empty and broken,
And she was tired of relying on sparks of possibility when everyone else had a blazing inferno.
Once, she allowed herself grave gratification,
The most horrible smudges on her beautiful canvas,
The seconds of satisfaction worth every scar.
Because nothing else would erase the ache in her system,
And she was sick of compulsion, she craved liberation.
Once, she gave into the thundering rain.
Wearing nothing but the night-sky, letting all her hopes and dreams wash away.
Right down the cracks in the sidewalk, right down the gutter.
Right down into the sewer until she had nothing left but the ghost of a smile,

And memories made of glass.
All because she chose to give in to dejection.
All because she chose to give up on herself.

Day Twenty.

2008-10-06T21:20:00.003-04:00

The truth is, I'm impatient.
And what I really want you to do,
Is everything you've been thinking about doing all along.

Day Nineteen.

2008-10-05T15:24:00.004-04:00

Ahaha.
I'm a great artist, I know.
(L)

Day Eighteen.

2008-10-04T19:29:00.003-04:00

When I'm lying awake in bed, waiting to drift off,
When I'm walking by myself, counting the side walk cracks,
When I'm staring out the window in class,
When I'm listening to slow songs on repeat,
When I'm going somewhere, anywhere in our car,
Just whenever I have a moment,

I'm thinking about you.

Day Seventeen.

2008-10-04T13:48:00.002-04:00

I missed a day again, but I wrote in my notebook:

True beauty, is not in the shape of your face, the colour of your eyes, the way your hair frames your face. It's not the size of clothes, the length of your eyelashes, the muscle tone of your thighs, how flat your stomach is.
It's the way you touch her face with such careful passion.
The way you hold yourself, with such confidence.
The intensity in your eyes when you look at him.
How you so tentatively push the hair out of your eyes.
The sound of your laughter, the sound of real tears slipping down your face.
Your energy. Your heat.
The way you make him/her/me feel.
Your tangibility.

Day Sixteen.

2008-10-02T19:07:00.002-04:00

If you could just stop.
For one second, and listen to the rain splashing on the side walk.
Feel the drops sliding down your face, taste the thick humidity on the tip of your tongue.
Maybe you would let yourself notice that person looking at you in the scattered puddles.
Admit to yourself that the broken reflection is you.
Just stop over-thinking and let nature take its course.

Day Fifteen.

2008-10-01T19:25:00.002-04:00

I just woke up, and I had the strangest dream about you.
I'm already forgetting the details,
But it basically goes like this:

I can't get ahold of you, and it's important.
It's driving me absolutely crazy.
So I go to school like normal, except everything is different.
You're hanging out in the back of the school, with people you never hang out with,
people I sometimes hangout with.
And I go up to you so I'm right up against you.
You're sitting down though, on a wooden bench.
And I take your phone, which is the same as mine.
To see if you've been getting my calls and stuff.
But I decide to open a game on your phone instead,
Unreal Tournament.
While I'm trying to figure out how to go back to the main menu, You lie down on the bench.
I come to sit down and you put your head in my lap,
And you changed the picture on my phone to a picture of me levitating and looking surprised,
Like I just woke up. But it's from some kind of video game.
I'm confused.
We talk, then. And decide we want to kill ourselves together.
It's a sunny day, and we walk under the trees, holding hands.
We're going to find the train so we can jump in front of it.
I think about whether I want to die, or if I just like the idea of dying.
"What if I don't want to die?" I ask you.
"We can wait, until I'm turning 17 and you're 18." You say.
We're not outside anymore, we're in the art room at school.
I tell you that sounds good.
Because I haven't fully experienced my life yet.
And I have things I want to do before I die I haven't done yet.
People are around us, doing things, the bell has rung and the next class is starting to come in.
You're leaning against the sink, and your hands are around my waist.
We just kind of stare at each other and I think about kissing you,
But then I decide I want you to kiss me first.
Neither of us does anything, though. And I wake up.

I wonder what it means.

Day Fourteen.

2008-10-01T00:51:00.003-04:00

I am really trying not to freak out,
But I wanted to do well in school this year, and I'm already starting to fuck up.
And I'm really trying not to get emotional, but I can't fucking help it.
When I am this incredibly stupid.
I just hate it when everything goes wrong.

Day Thirteen.

2008-09-29T20:33:00.002-04:00

I really like the dark room.
It's like this secret place where you have to be quiet and contemplative.
And you work in this red-tinted dim,
Working with corrosive chemicals, and shiny metals.
It's so poetic.
It's the kind of place that I'm going to be using to my advantage.
So I can have one of those moments that I always want to quote in books.
Or watch over and over again in movies.
You'll see.

Day Twelve.

2008-09-29T20:24:00.002-04:00

I couldn't get onto the computer, so I wrote in my notebook, late last night. It doesn't really make much sense, but I thought it did at the time. Maybe it will make sense to you.

When I fall asleep,
All I want to dream about is you.
Because in my dreams,
We can be anything we want to be.
And every hour feels like days.
You cut through all the bullshit and
Let my mind do what it really wants to.
You make it all worth it.

Day Eleven.

2008-09-27T16:21:00.003-04:00

I'm making this list for you.
This time I'm making it in pencil, because things change and I make mistakes.
I'm writing it in the back of my favorite notebook of the moment.
And it's really quite a great list.

Maybe one day I'll show it to you.
Well I hope one day I'll have a reason to.

Day Ten.

2008-09-26T16:47:00.000-04:00

I love contact.
Tracing the contours of your body,
Feeling the bones and muscle tissue in your back.
Jaw lines and spinal cords and hip bones.
Ridges and finger tips and ribs.

When I was little, I used to play this game at sleepovers where you trace things onto someone's back.
My dad gave me this book about massage, so I would flip through it with my friends, trying every single technique.
And when I was in grade six, I got the first degree of Reiki.
[Reiki is a healing art where you channel life energy into someone's body using your hands.]
Just being close, and feeling their heat and feeling alive is so amazing.

Day Nine.

2008-09-25T18:24:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I miss the way it used to be when it was just us.
Making lists, making goals, making promises to always be there.
But things change and we've all went our separate ways.
And it's time for me to let go because I don't want to be that friend anymore.
I'm tired of chasing after people who don't really care about me.
I'm tired of changing the way I am.

When you're ready, I will be right here.
But until then, don't expect me to be your subordinate.

Day Eight.

2008-09-24T21:22:00.000-04:00

I want you to take me & show me what it's like to lose.
I want you to take control.
I want you.

Day Seven.

2008-09-23T21:13:00.000-04:00

One thing I've seen and experienced in high school is everything seems so much larger than life.
Every little incident in your day seems definitive,
Every person who notices you, every person who looks at you decides if you will go home with your head held high, or fall asleep in a pitiful ball, soaked in your own tears.

The truth is outside of this little bubble,
No one gives a shit about the girl next to you with the bleached blond hair who gets fucked up every weekend with her "friends".
Because, "Partying" and "Chilling with friends" are not hobbies, and what you love and what you do is what defines you. If you can't find anything to focus yourself into, and express yourself through, what are you? No one. Just another pretty face. Who will grow up, and get old.
And then be just another sad, lonely middle aged person working at a minimum wage fast food joint.
You know exactly who I'm talking about.
They kind of people you look at and wonder,
"What the fuck happened to them."

Day Six.

2008-09-22T20:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I have felt so reciprocated.
It's always too much or not enough.
I'm either your bitch, or you're mine.
I either feel suffocated or neglected.
But right now, I only feel good.

On the other hand, I've completely lost you into a world I don't even understand.
I don't know what happened to you, but you're definitely not the same.
Because I know you would never give up your friends.
And I know you would never become what everyone else thinks is the ideal.
And I always thought I would be able to trust you no matter what happens.
That you'd always be there for me, because I'm always right here for you.
But I feel like I don't even know you anymore.
I don't know anything about your life and you don't care to know about mine.
Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
Except if I did talk to brick walls, they wouldn't make me feel like I'm a worthless piece-of-shit whore.

Day Five.

2008-09-21T19:13:00.000-04:00

I think one of my favorite pasttimes is just lying on the grass looking at the sky.
Like that time way back when at valleybrookpark when the sun was setting.
And we all lied on each other's stomachs and listened to those gurgling sounds that remind me of outerspace.
Or that other time when we took pictures in the grass and listened to the songs on your phone and went on an adventure.
Like today where I fell asleep lying on your stomach being lied on by a little girl, like a bunch of lizards basking in the sun, eating gummy worms,
waiting for the pain to go away.
It's all just so right-now, inthemoment, with no responsibilites and no plans.
Like nothing else matters but what's right in front of you right then.

Day Four.

2008-09-20T18:19:00.000-04:00

Remember that time I made that stupid decision?
Like a night of heavy drinking, with a garbage bag ready because you know by the end, all the goodtimes will be lost in the uncomfortable moments that make you physically sick.

And more than anything I regret doing that to myself, and I regret doing that to you.
I am not faultless but I have changed.
And after all those months of self-inflicted torture I have let go.
I promise.

Day Three.

2008-09-19T22:32:00.000-04:00

In photography and printmaking, I made a stencil based on this post secret:

Because every single night I wish. And when my wishes don't come true, I just keep wishing until they do. Because they always come true, unless it was a shit wish I shouldn't have wished in the first place. And I'm still wishing that same wish, you know.

Day Two.

2008-09-18T18:36:00.000-04:00

I realized, I can't write poetry anymore.
All my poems have been about wanting him and being hurt and being torn.
About being unhappy.
But I don't want him anymore.
And I don't feel hurt anymore.
And I am not torn at all.
I know exactly what I want, and I feel good.
I would give up my writing abilities for that any day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A one way window seems to block
Emotions running through my veins
But after the initial shock
I start to feel the throbbing, numbing pain

Embrace the torture, Feed the flame
From tainted nightmares I’ll awake
And maybe I am not to blame
For all my imperfections and mistakes

In my reflection all I see
Atrocious shadows on the glass
A bleak cause for my infamy
And your attention never seems to last

Is every word you say a lie
And surely truth is much more grim
Am I so flawless in your eyes
Self doubt will cause vitality to dim

I’ll halt my tears, I’ll hide my face
Corrupting thoughts corrode my mind
My trepidation is misplaced
And in the end, my feelings intertwine
And in the end uncertainty defined

+

These nights my moral thoughts are faded
As if I am intoxicated
And here with him is where I must remain

The grit and sand that blinds my mind
Leaves all my doubts of him behind
In this infatuation glass should reign

Yet when I'm in your line of fire
This jealousy spurns my desire
An aspiration running through my veins

With just one glance my heart does race
And every minute seems to waste
Narcotics, sweet from which I must abstain.

But even if dreams come to pass
How long will this fixation last
Before it slips away right down the drain.

It feels as if my heart might break
But I will do all it may take
To make sure all my feelings are restrained.

Is all this torture worth the while
As I can taste the acrid bile
In every choice there will be certain pain

Embrace the freedom and misplace
The thought of fingers interlaced
Until our reverie awakes again.

Tomorrow is another day
Although it may seem far away
And one day I will know your heat again.

+

A day ago I would have thought,
Today would be the end of us.
For what is real and what is not,
And what is love and what is lust,
I've taken so long to adjust,
To this condition I have caught.
This heart condition I have fought.

A month ago I would have said,
That you were just a waste of time.
Another anchor made of lead,
And memories of the sublime.
The pain you caused should be a crime.
For all the salty tears I shed,
For all the truths that went unsaid.

Tomorrow you may let me go,
To leave me here, alone and cold,
But I will warm this frozen snow,
If only fervor was controlled,
If only I was yours to hold.
You say goodbye, I say hello,
Let's kiss again so deep and slow,
And you will whisper "quid pro quo",
But I will never answer no.

+

My thoughts and feelings are sincere
But why do you still linger here
The loss of you has made it hard to cope.

I tear to pieces and deface
The memories I can't replace
Nostalgia makes me sick, I choke on hope.

I try to stop at just one tear
But this dam breaks and it is clear
The hurt I feel is all because of you.

I wish that I could just erase
The way I felt in your embrace
The way it felt when everything was new.

I know it's futile, but I dwell
On tender moments that dispel
The true reality of this deceit.

And you don't care but still I try
Was every word a fucking lie
I might as well give up, admit defeat.

Remember nights before I fell
And there I didn't need to quell
Emotions run amok as I contend.

You talk to me and I just cry
It’s better just to say goodbye
And stop this heartache, I must face the end.

+

here's to you and your
plastic personality
fake smile, glassy eyes.

zero calories
dreaming of the day when I'll
be perfect enough.

flip the hair out of
your eyes and fix that blank stare
on someone who cares.

drink until you drop
smoke until you cough cough cough
bleed until it stops.

i'll bite my lip
like i do everytime
before we kiss

i once saw a face
that made me forget what it's
like to be perfect

unconditional
unrequited and it hurts
to want you this much.

you are so gorgeous
that i may just trip and fall
head over heels for you.

the way you kissed me
carelessly void of any
emotion at all.

Day One.

2008-09-17T21:12:00.000-04:00

I like knowing that I have somewhere to write.
That anyone could be reading this, that anything could happen.
I think I am going to try and write an entry for every single day until my next birthday.
And this is going to be the beginning.

I was reading a book about a girl who was murdered, it's called "The Lovely Bones", and this girl's life ends at the age of fourteen. She never gets to fully grow up and experience living to its full extent. I was thinking, that maybe it is time for me to stop being scared of everyone and everything. If I died today, I want to be able to feel like I had lived every year of my life to its fullest. I don't want to pretend anymore, and that's why I'm going to write what I honestly think right here.